“The opening crawl is the signature device of every numbered film of the Star Wars series, an American epic space opera franchise created by George Lucas. It opens with the static blue text, ‘A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….’, followed by the Star Wars logo and the crawl text, which describes the backstory and context of the film. The visuals are accompanied by the “Main Title Theme“, composed and conducted by John Williams.
The sequence has been featured in every live-action Star Wars film produced by Lucasfilm with the exception of Rogue One. Although it retains the basic elements, it has significantly evolved throughout the series. It is one of the most immediately recognizable elements of the franchise and has been frequently parodied.
Each film opens with the static blue text, “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….”, followed by the Star Wars logo shrinking in front of a field of stars. Initially the logo’s extremities are beyond the edge of the frame. While the logo is retreating, the “crawl” text begins, starting with the film’s episode number and subtitle (with the exception of the original release of Star Wars – see below), and followed by a three-paragraph prologue to the film. The text scrolls up and away from the bottom of the screen towards a vanishing point above the top of the frame in a perspective projection. Each version of the opening crawl ends with a four-dot ellipsis, except for Return of the Jedi which has a three-dot ellipsis. When the text has nearly reached the vanishing point, it fades out, the camera tiltsdown (or, in the case of Episode II: Attack of the Clones, up), and the film begins.” –Star Wars Opening Crawl, Wikipedia
As Mel Brooks wrote in the opening crawl of his parody “Spaceballs“:
Once upon a valuation warp. . . .
In a market very, very, very, very far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings known as … Momentum Investors.
The evil leaders of momentum investing, having foolishly overestimated economic and profit growth and taken valuations to an extreme, have revised a secret plan to take every breath of reason from their reason- loving neighbor, Value Investing.
Today is Halloween. Unbeknownest to the consensus, but knownest to us, danger lurks in the stars above..
If you can read this, you don’t need glasses.
But I am getting ahead of myself, so let me start from the beginning:
Episode I: THE PHANTOM MENACE
“Turmoil has engulfed Planet Investors, upending rational investing. The statutory corporate tax rates to outlying star systems are in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a tax-free repatriation of overseas cash, the White House has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Maine.
While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Tweeter has secretly dispatched two of his warriors (Mnuchin and Cohn), his guardians of low taxes for the nobles in the galaxy, to settle the conflict….”
Episode II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES
“There is unrest in the Galactic Senate. As several establishment Republicans have declared their intentions to leave the Republic.
This separatist movement, under the leadership of the mysterious Count Flake, has made it difficult for the limited number of warriors to maintain peace and order in the galaxy.
Senator Collins, the former Queen of Maine, is returning to the Galactic Senate to vote on the critical issue of creating an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC to assist the overwhelmed Jedi….”
Episode III: REVENGE OF THE SITH
“Twitter War! The Republic is crumbling under attacks by the ruthless Sith Lord, Robert Mueller. There are heroes on both sides. Evil is everywhere.
In a stunning move, the fiendish aging droid leader, General Bernie Sanders (not to be confused with the Evil Colonel Sandurz), has swept into the Republic capital and kidnapped Chancellor McConnell, leader of the Galactic Senate.
As the Separatist Droid Army attempts to flee the besieged capital with their valuable hostage, two other Jedi Knights lead a desperate mission to rescue the captive Chancellor….”
Episode IV: A NEW HOPE
“It is a period of investor strife. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, (with price-earnings ratios ever expanding and dips ever bought) have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire (despite the robotic and fake impressions coming out of Facebook and Twitter) .
During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire’s ultimate weapon, the Death Star AMAZON, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet (and/or markets).
Pursued by the Empire’s sinister agents, Princess Kamala races home aboard her starship (on the Left Coast), custodian of the stolen plans that can save the markets and instill value and common sense to the galaxy….”
Episode V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
“It is a dark time for the Rebellion. The Death Star Amazon has not yet been destroyed and Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy.
Evading the dreaded Imperial Starfleet (of Generals Kelly, H.R. McMaster and Mattis) , a group of freedom fighters led by Luke Booker has established a new secret base on the remote ice world of California.
The evil lord Paul Ryan, obsessed with finding young Booker, has dispatched thousands of remote probes (and quant strategies) into the far reaches of space, continuing to boost investor confidence and buoy the S&P Index….”
Episode VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI
“Luke Booker has returned to his home planet of Newark in an attempt to rescue his party from the clutches of the vile gangster Bannon the Hutt and from (unregulated and growing power/value) of the sinister FANGS.
Little does Luke know that the Galactic Empire has secretly begun construction on a new armored space station even more powerful than the first dreaded Death Star, AMAZON.
When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of rebels and short sellers struggling to restore freedom and common sense to investors…”
Episode VII: THE FORCE AWAKENS
“Luke Booker has vanished. In his absence, the sinister DARTH PUTIN has risen from the ashes of the Empire (and Facebook/Twitter) and will not rest until Booker, the last Jedi (and market complacency), have been destroyed.
With the support of the REPUBLIC, Princess Kamala Harris leads a brave RESISTANCE. She is desperate to find her brother Luke Booker and gain his help in restoring peace and justice and reasonable valuations to the galaxy.
Princess Kamala has sent her most daring pilot on a secret mission to PLANET DNC, where an old ally (Princess Elizabeth) has discovered a clue to Luke’s whereabouts….”
Hopefully, to find out the market outcome, we may only have to wait for next month’s (Dec. 15) release of Episode VIII, “The Last Jedi.”
But the wait could be as long as Dec. 20, 2019, with the release of the still-untitled Episode IX.
“Your eyes can deceive you. Don’t trust them.” – Obi-Wan Kenobi
It’s scary out there — after all, it’s Halloween.
Trick or treat?
Regardless of market outcomes, “May the Schwartz be with (all of) you.”