The Inheritance Conversation – Love or Turmoil?

I understand how much we all disdain planning for our inevitable demise. As a Certified Financial Planning professional for over 25 years, I truly get it—I, too, find estate planning a necessary but unpleasant endeavor. However, only you can decide whether the inheritance conversation is love or turmoil.

My father decided, upon finding out about his terminal illness, to conveniently stop paying Federal taxes, which resulted in some uncomfortable interactions with the IRS. Not a good plan.

We never had an inheritance conversation. There was much turmoil.

It’s not what you think. I’m OK with paying an attorney, rifling through pages of legalese. Heck, I’m even okay with acknowledging my death. What’s challenging is considering the lasting impact and influence my estate plan may have on the people I love and respect.

The bound version of my last wishes that sits on a dark, dusty shelf, only to see daylight when I no longer do, is just the beginning of an overall estate planning strategy.

As I age—or, as my daughter says, my “human becomes more human”—I am increasingly aware of my living estate, which is the strategy I employ to minimize turmoil and misunderstanding among heirs. It’s a legacy mindset based on clear communication and openness with beneficiaries.

A legal estate plan is designed to communicate final requests. However, I have witnessed formal plans leave families in anguish for years because the creators failed to share their intentions verbally before they passed. There are times when unanswered questions have led to family strain for generations.

Financial services firm UBS surveyed 2,882 high-net-worth investors and discovered that the majority are planning to leave inheritances.

Most benefactors indicated how important it was for children to be fiscally responsible with inheritances. Yet more than half of the respondents indicated that discussing legacy plans with loved ones was not a priority.

Heirs are also uncomfortable discussing the subject. They fear appearing greedy, and discussing money is rarely comfortable in a family dynamic.

Also, many people hear “inheritance” and think solely of financial wealth, but that’s only part of the story. You have stuff. Then, you have items to bequeath, whether wealthy or not.

So how will you communicate your legacy, prevent misunderstandings, and possibly hurt feelings if nobody talks? How do you know your heirs are going to handle inheritances responsibly?

Confusing!

Through experience (and aging), I have learned that another is already in motion long before a formal estate plan is executed. It’s based on assumptions formed regardless of what’s legal on paper.

Dynamic, empathetic conversation is the key to long-term estate planning success. Lack of communication holds the most significant potential for trouble.

Here are several ways to strengthen your legacy through a living estate plan based on clear, thoughtful communication.

1. Remember you’re the catalyst for good—or bad.

I have had several people tell me, “I don’t need an estate plan. Let them fight it out; I’ll be dead.” That’s a strategy. Not a good one, but still a strategy because it impacts your legacy. If you decide to say nothing, then assumptions will be made and motives questioned regardless of what’s in your estate documents. You’re the catalyst for calm or drama.

Whether silent or actively communicating, you’re a spark, so you might as well embrace the need for connection and work on an approach to ignite the process.

First, list each person you would like to receive an heirloom or special sentiment on paper to clarify your intentions. I’m talking about everything, down to the coffee cups. Be specific.

For example, Haley will receive my G.I. Joe action figure collection in original packaging. There are 12 figures with the following accessories … well, you get the picture (see, this is on my list).

Not only should your inventory be identified in estate documents, it should also be noted informally and used for discussions with heirs. If you feel more comfortable, have a trusted intermediary with you. It doesn’t need to be an executor of the will—I know spouses, siblings, and best friends act as “empathy shields” for these conversations.

2. You set the tone.

Don’t be in denial about family or inner-circle conflicts that may arise from your intentions. Before and after death, you are responsible for taking the edge off bequests that may upset or change the heirs’ lives. If you’re silent, those you leave behind may jump to conclusions, creating doubt, negative feelings or even destructive behavior. If you outline bequests formally without prior clarification and ongoing communication, there’s potential to leave loved ones hanging, always wondering about your motives.

Be openly verbal about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior after you’re gone. Never assume that affected parties will “play nice;” people may take the initiative and treat themselves to personal items before executing a will. I’ve experienced this behavior firsthand when my father died.

Bad blood can last a long time when this happens. Best to step out there and set a positive tone that invites engagement. I’ve seen family rifts last decades over things like tablecloths, ceramic figurines, jewelry, and, once, garden gnomes. Yes, you read that correctly—garden gnomes. An individual who assumed they were hers left tiny, muddy outlines in the backyard the day after her grandmother’s death.

3. Become a legacy detective.

Ask questions about the final ownership of personal items. You may not realize how much your son wants the china and doesn’t care about your class ring. I’ve witnessed surprises by what I call “heirloom mismatching.” Your heirs will need to live with these things for a long time. Might as well complete an exercise to match the goods with those who will enjoy them the most. That’ll keep your memory alive.

Assure your heirs that asking questions and receiving honest answers is not morbid or awkward. No judgment. Have family members and close friends write and share the property they want to inherit. Compare notes and match up requests as best as possible. In cases where desires cannot be fulfilled, communicate openly and with goodwill.

4. Put your plan into action by gifting.

Want an estate plan you can enjoy? Gift items to others while you’re still here to see the smiles on their faces. Gifting special heirlooms and memorable items has brought many of my clients the most joy. Also, if there are bad feelings among others, the donor can promptly address them.

Just be aware of IRS gifting rules that may affect your estate planning. For personal articles you choose to gift, make sure not to exceed the annual exclusion of $19,000 per recipient for 2025. Check out the IRS’s frequently asked questions on gift taxes or consult your estate planning attorney when calculating fair market value for physical gifts.

The benefits of a living estate plan can enhance a written one and alleviate the stress of a formal strategy.

Sharing the beauty of what remains after you’re gone can be a gift or a curse, depending on how you handle the process, beginning today. Coming from a place of truth and love, your words will shine an everlasting light on your legacy. Heirs won’t live years with bad feelings about your decisions.

You decide. What will it be? There’s a way to find out: Talk, share, ask them to share. And listen.

It will make your “human more human.”